The moon beamed full filling the clear sky. An occasional rogue cloud passed by obscuring the light, but for a moment. The air, cool and still, heavy with humidity biting the flesh covered by many garments. A heavy, rapid clip clop beat upon the sidewalk, a painful running found the stairs and came to a stop at the door.
She desperately searched her purse for the keys. Once found she attempted to open the door only to drop them. Tears filled her eyes, mascara smeared, cheeks pale and pained.
She grasped for the keys several times, each time frustrated in the darkness, simply wanting to feel the warmth of home both physically and emotionally.
Placing the keys in the lock and turning quickly she burst through the door, dropping her coat and purse to the floor in a rapid disrobe, she fell upon her bed, burying her head into the pillow.
Memories filled her mind, images passing so quickly and, as each passed it tore deeply as if something was ripping her a part from the inside. The happy moments they experienced together. The sad times they faced together. The pain they felt together, their arms embracing each other, bodies intertwined, feeling the connection of togetherness. Or so she thought.
Her love, all the intimacy of her heart had been betrayed. Along with the images of past experiences, flashed of the present, or near present ripped even more deeply within. She could literally feel her heart ripping, not in two but in many pieces.
His arms around another woman, their lips tightly pressed together, his hands exploring her body, no longer hers to experience. Blinded by love she didn’t see it coming. Those last moments of being in his arms she had no idea that it would be the last.
Her sorrow turned to anger as the pain ripped ever so much deeper into her heart. Thoughts of vengeance filled her mind. She wanted to hate him with all her might, but she couldn’t. Even though her love had been betrayed it wasn’t in her to hate anyone. She didn’t want to hate anyone. Yet, here she was, hating with a fierceness she had never felt before.
She hated the the woman whom he now embraced rather than her. She hated love for tearing her heart into shreds. She hated him, for deceiving her. Playing with her emotions and feelings. Holding her while, at the same time, holding another in his heart. Such deep betrayal. She hated her own loyalty. Her own needs and desires to experience love.
She fell into an empty sleep. Void of dreams. Into a deep darkness. An emptiness of feeling and life. Suddenly she woke to the sun radiating through the window. Her body tight and pained, arms held tightly to her chest. Her mind numb to the glory of a new day.
For a moment she thought it all a dream. She looked for her phone to see the goodnight text that had always been there for many months to be displayed. She burst from her bed, searching for her purse. She dumped out everything to the floor, seeing her phone lying there. She hesitated a moment then quickly grabbed it. There was no text. She felt such a deep loneliness. An emptiness so deep filled only with pain. The pain of nothingness.
She layed on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Not seeing anything but the many images passing through her mind. Over and over these images repeated themselves as the pain dug even deeper within to places she never thought existed. Tears flowed in a seemingly endless stream down her cheeks, onto her neck, upon her chest.
She gasped for air. Breathing deeply, seeking a calm within the storm. Seeking some sense of reality in the chaos of her emotions. She stepped outside, inhaled deeply thinking, “This is not who I am. I am better than this. How could I have let myself fall so deeply into an illusion of my ow creation?” She slapped her face several times, “Wake up. Come out of it.”
The images in her mind slowed and were replaced with clarity of who she is. Looking into the mirror, at first she felt disgust which turned into compassion for herself. She fell in love. Into the depths of the abyss of her own illusion and expectations. Now she saw something more in the blue eyes that looked back at her. She looked deeply into them. Into herself as color began to fill her cheeks. As life began to fill her eyes. She could feel her empty heart again fill with life. Tears of understanding slowing passed from her eyes, finding their way down her cheeks.
She smiled as she felt the blood of her life fill within her again while forgiving herself for the dreams and illusions she had put so much faith and hope within. Stories created to stimulate the senses while deceiving the mind, heart and soul. Of passion expressed safely within the confines of trust and loyalty.
This is not life. Nothing is perfect in this life but the understanding that we live each day as it forms before our eyes. Nothing is safe. Nothing controlled. Our quest for security in the arms of another can never be known or felt without allowing the embrace of ourselves around our own hearts. It is the love of our hearts, free flowing beyond expectations, that brings our truth to light. Revealing the beauty, often unexpected, that resides within us all.